Theorems
Brian Lapham
Silent Intimidation Theory
Women are more intimidated by silence than men. When everyone falls silent in a group, a woman is more likely to start a conversation or say something. On a similar note, men are warned that, to a woman, saying nothing is the same as agreeing. This is only true when agreeing would be a bad thing (such as a woman says “I am fat.”)
Motivational Homework Theory
You need three things to do homework. The first is skill—the knowledge, the know-how. That makes about 15%. The second is time, consisting of about 20%. Finally, homework is about 65% motivation. This makes up the largest portion and is the most essential part to homework’s completion.
Self Esteem Theory
Self Esteem can be neither created nor destroyed. There is always a constant level of self esteem in the universe. Therefore, whenever someone gains a bit of self esteem, someone else loses some.
Tomato-Onion Theory
Most people either enjoy tomatoes, some people enjoy onions. Most will not like both, but have a strong preference one way.
Parking Lot Theory
When you park your car, leave it unlocked with the keys inside. When you return, choose any car in the parking lot to drive to your next location. Repeat.
Raisin Process Theory
The process through which a grape becomes a raisin is the exact same process that a pig goes through to become a football.
Cell Phone Cigarette Theory
Cell phones are becoming the new cigarettes. They are becoming seen as “rude” in certain areas, and may soon be prohibited in these places.
Hot Horde Theory
Attractive people usually exist in groups. Attractive people generally have attractive friends, with the occasional ugly or indifferent person.
Messed Up Family Theory
Everyone has an odd extended family. This can consist of one or more of the following: Divorce and remarriage, step-children, an unknown parent, gay/lesbian, etc. Basically, this includes anything remotely untraditional.
Time Invention Theory Satan invented time in an attempt to control humans. It’s working. People worry and plan too much around the clock. | 
